he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
