Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
