I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
