I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
