i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
