His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
