Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How does it feel to date your dad?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
