He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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