Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
