In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
