I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
