She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
