Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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