apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
