I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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