its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
