I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
