Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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