Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
