Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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