tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
