Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Randomize
