how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
