I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
