as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
