omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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