I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
