im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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