P.S. I can't hear my feet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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