your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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