Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
