happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
