she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
