She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
