Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
