remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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