I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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