The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
