Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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