A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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