Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
