I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
