sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
