I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
