i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
