M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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