If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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