chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
