I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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