this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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