his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
