I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
